Getting-on with One Self

inner dialogs 17 July 2022

The best advice I've got these days
is to listen to how "you" speak to "yourself"
in the inner-ear-Thoughts, the critical thoughts.

I been listening to friends, especially lately,
and noticing how deep self-sabotaging
these thoughts are in being expressed.

I been through the wars this whole year,
by having my brothers attacking me with words
heavily critical words and sent-hense to me
sentences that I couldn't help but listen to,
wondering if there were ANY truth in them
wondering if they merely meant to attack
and under-mine my self-identity
and destroy my character
destroy my confidence.

and i noticed, that even though so many things they said
were completely made-up
i still tried to make-sense of why
tried to accept there must be some truth in them

Through this process, I came to realise and remember
what I had suppressed, still living in my sub-conscious.

I had been programmed by criticisms from my family
as a child, I had taken on these projections from others
and identified, subconsciously, that it must be true
simply because it was what I was being taught
by my parents, my sister, my brothers, grand-parents
teachers, friends, strangers, bus-drivers, head-masters etc

I had internalised these "lessons" of projections as "truths"
and these "truths" had lodged in my brain,
had formed neural-path-ways,
had become unconscious "beliefs" forming my "self" identity.

I've been working through these unconscious reactions
over the 8 months since my dad died.
I'd been internalising all these conflicts "truths"
all of my life,
and not til age 48, have i been able to look back on
my child-hoods experiences and begin
to re-member the split-personality conflicts.

I was a wild-child, naughty, self-willed, quick, mercurial,
self-determined, un-control-lable, wilful.

I was punished, hit, bullied, jeered, belittled, subdued.

I fought back by remaining free - a wild-child, naughty, self-willed, quick, mercurial,
self-determined, un-control-lable, wilful.

I got in "trouble".

I developed an anti-authority complex psychology.

It has obviously remained a main-stay in my self-identity.

I "expect" to get in "trouble", and I do.

I expect to be rejected and I do.

I expect to get hurt, and to hurt others.

And I have refrained from social-iner-course
more and more-so as the decades laid layers and
layers of affirmations upon me self-identity-mirroring.

I've re-solved most of these inner-conflicts in 2022,
and found a ease in myself as a result.
I've learned that I am cursing myself with layers
of sub-conscious programs, shutting-down my genius
when-ever i begin to open-up.

And as a result, I can see the patterning in endemic.

Every one is doing this to themselves
to what-ever degree, trying to fit-into others
projections, advices, rules, laws, out-laws etc.

We are each the product of childhood innocence.
We all were babies, toddlers, children, teenagers.
We all became "adults", lost at sea in Society.
We are all programmed, and it takes maturity to be
able to question the authority-complex's that
we "grew-up" with.

Listen to the way your thoughts speak to you.
Listen to the amount of self-criticism and self-doubt.
Learn to improve the way you "speak" to your-Self.
Realise that you are still a child, though likely "cut-off"
from seeing yourself as still, an innocent-child.

It is easy to be "com-passion-ate" to others,
to be sympathetic and caring, to listen and give
honest advice and direction, to suggest changes,
to point to where we can clearly see how our friends,
our children, our parents: are self-sabotaging
with inexplicible self-criticism-habits and patterns.

It's not so easy to see
one-self-doing-this-to-one's-own Self.

So, I thought to share this realisation,
the Gift I've received, from amongst the Grief
and fall-out that has occurred since Dad died.

I had always trusted my family.

I had never really questioned their intent.
I had never really thought out-side the BoX
of whether they had my best-wellness at heart.
I had never really questioned their rivallries
their jealousies, the competitions and pettiness.

I've been looking deep into my forgotten childhood
experiences imprinted which became integral
creating a self-identity which never felt wholesum,
never felt comfortable, never felt like true-Love.

And I've been repeating these patterns of abuse
and neglect against my-self, as if i de-serve to be punished.

It's oh-so subtle and destablising.

What is in the sub-conscious-Mind, has been "written" there.
Until we notice the programming, we cannot re-write it.
And so, we go through our lives, repeating.

Learn how to listen to the inner-program,
and learn how to re-write the programs,
by changing the patterns of self-judge-ment.

Learn to have self-compassion.
Learn to speak to yourself,
as you would speak to a child,
with care, care-fully, be careful not to hurt the child,
to nurush with words, to reward when you learn
from mistakes.

I wish you all well.

I hope this is helpful and discernable, though incomplete

.