the body is a place.holder .

every one is a mirror . joy is a complex equation .

the body is a place.holder .

every one is a mirror .

joy is a complex equation .

the Past was, never present .

I'm up early this morning, 5 am, it's still dark outside.

The cats are scurrying about in their mix of codependency and company.

I don't know why I'm up so early today, but my earliest thoughts are:

That I am maturing at last, at 49 years old.

I don't feel like the youngest kid in my family any more.

I was always precocious, and somehow, that seemed always to be frowned upon, rather than celebrated.

Why have I always felt like I was getting away with something?

Why have I always felt like I was gonna get punished for simple independence of doing my own thing?

Childhood is like a mystery to me, like having been to a place that I can't much remember.

I have scant memories, but they are more like photographs than movies.

I can remember being a child and yet seeing my memories as cartoon drawings rather than realistic. A cartoon character.

I don't know if any of this is common.

I used to worry, in my 20's, if I had been abused as a young child, my innocence lost, waylaid, robbed by an elder or a sibling.

It certainly seemed strange to me, to be 20 years old and not remember anything much before the age of 14/15, except for stories told about me, which I had coloured in as cartoon sketches in my memory banks.

I tend to think, since gaining more experience of other people, that I was truly “away with the faeries, in a world of my own”.

Mine, has been a journey of feeling exiled from the so called “real world”.

I made sense of the world, in my own way, aware that I had limited experiences to draw from, but aware that I had a very active imagination, that I followed my instinct, often held-back, to observe first, in order to learn from others.

I looked up to my elders.

But, I also stood up to my elders.

I'm writing these things for myself, but also to share, in a question-every-thing kind of way.

I'm piecing bits together in the hope of making a whole, in the sense of being whole.

It's just a life time, mine in particular, but even so, there's a template to Life, and then there is the life-lived, and a relationship between the 2.

Comparisons.

I was an un-conscious child.

I lived in my imagination.

I did what I was told, in the midst of doing whatever was happening, doing whatever I felt like.

I didn't have a future all mapped out.

I didn't know what I wanted to be.

Perhaps it was a pressure that gradually grew into an expectation, that a child is supposed to know what career, what dreams, what lifestyle to choose as an adult.

I didn't think about it, as far as I can remember, but as a teenager the question arises from adults, a sort of place-holder conversation, that grown -ups ask, kind of politely, and then in school, there was a careers-class.

Grow up !

What are you going to do when you grow up?

Here we were supposed to choose a direction, set a course, to know what we want from life: to go to college, or university, or stay-home and work with my dad, be a carpenter and builder, use my hands and skills to make things in the physical world, earn the money to live, to emulate the adult lives.

We had a fairly decent pool table at home, and I played pool more than anything else. As a teenager, I could win against everyone in my family, and I would win against most adults in pubs.

I liked the social-setting of pool pubs.

They gave me what I can now call an “interface” within the grown-up world, a place where I could meet adults on an equal footing and learn through the experience. Equal footing in an adult playground.

By 15 years old I was still wild, still a child, but free now to roam freely, and in the summers, I found I was allowed to roam further.

My eldest brother was already in college, an art-student in Galway, “City of the Tribes”, and I was allowed to hitch-hike, 130 miles from home to stay with my brother, yet take care of my self.

I found my feet through playing pool.

There's a whole load of psychology in pool-playing.

Adults would “go easy” on me, until I beat everyone, gambling at a pound a game, and then take on the whole pub, a 2nd and 3rd time around, with multiple bets going on as to whether I would keep winning, game after game, until closing time.

I loved being able to read people, to guess their character, to prompt and pre-empt their psychology, to take risks or to play safe, to assess their own skills, and to have try to gauge mine.

I could pot balls off the break, and then continue to win the game, without my opponent getting a shot, feeling the intensity and drinking it in.

Playing pool was an expression of my character, and I put a lot of time into getting to know myself, spending time in that zone, growing confident and assured, casual yet concentrated, coordinated, swift and decisive.

In Galway City, I found I could be completely independent.

I'd make enough money from pool-playing to pay my way the next day, to eat and smoke and drink, though I didn't get caught into drinking alcohol much, at least not til I had grown to 18,

My brother and his student-artist friends, had introduced me to smoking hash in Galway, and to sprinkling hash on pints, {which I've never really come across much ever since.}

I didn't particularly like alcohol.

My dad drank alcohol to excess.

My mom chose not to drink alcohol at all.

It's always been obvious to me that alcohol causes problems for grown ups.

T.V. also showed that alcohol is a problem in society, and spending so much time in pubs all my childhood, had always shown that alcoholism was a stupid insanity that got hold of people and took possession.

I didn't want to go there, stumbling into barstools, but with cannabis, I found I could socialise a little easier. I'd found a niche that I fit into, a role I could fulfil, in which I was an independent youth, green-hearted, naive and friendly.

I didn't finally leave school until I was 18, didn't start college until just after my 19th birthday, September 1992.

I'd gone along with things, and let things happen.

I'd filled out the college and university forms in Careers Class.

I'd given preference to what course, in what city.

The only thing I knew was that I wanted to go to Galway, where I was already known, where I already had 4 years of experience of an “alternative” reality.

I knew the streets.

I knew the lifestyle.

I had a way of life already waiting for me there.

In Careers Class, I had asked my friend what course to aim for, and he'd told me to put Electronic Engineering, so I did, and I got first preference, for both college and university.

I chose college rather than university, because I didn't want to be with upper class intellectuals.

I was good at pool in pubs, but I hadn't fitted in with school, I didn't trust the truth of what was being taught, I didn't trust “Society” or government.

I looked for the good in people, a common ground, a meeting place in conversations, but it often wasn't there to find.

I was very aware that the countryfolk whom I'd grown up amongst, were stuck in ruts, inheriting farms and lands and houses, holding grudges, being bitter and dysfunctional, mean and closed-in, ignorant and arrogant.

My parents had been quite isolated in our countryside community.

Dad had been away, all the way to London, for a decade, and come home married with 4 young children. Self-employed, independent.

My father was a prodigal son.

His brothers hadn't been away, had married local women, and had limited expansion to their experiences.

So, when ever someone was not true-to-their-word, my parents would steer clear, and sought to only have dealings with the more-honest people, and be be wary of the glad-handed compulsive liars, the fake-friend-ships of backstabbers, capable only of selfish gain.

These are my impressions, as a 49 year old, who doesn't remember much of my childhood, and yet here I am delving again into deep-memory, still seeking, to get to know my Self, a Narcissus seeing into reflections.

I Am, the conscious seeking to see the subconscious and the unconsciousness from which the subconscious arises, to project an identity upon the conscious-awareness, the glass-mirror, the liquid pool, the gene pool, the swimming pool.

I Am, an id-entity, born of a gene pool, of unconscious ancestry.

I spent so long thinking that the outer world knows more than I, and yet finding it hard to under-stand or accept the knowledge that the outer-world has to teach.

I strove with ideas around how come the outer-world is so full of non-truths and wrong answers.

My inner-structures of Thought-forms were a constantly evolving imaginative landscape where the Ocean meets the shoreline, with every thing as fractal in Nature, with soul intelligence imbuing every moment with intention and attention.

I was hyper active in my imagination, ceaseless like the emotions of the ocean waves, ebbing and flowing, being in motion.

I questioned things which no one had any much great answers to.

People would suggest books in response, but I was never interested in reading these books, happier to ask for a synopsis that a reading list.

Reading was far too slow a process, and I found reading arduous.

I also didn't like much of what I read, inherently distrusting the authoritative attitude of authors, I didn't like the process of having to believe what I was reading, for words are spells, and the reader says the spell as s/he reads in the minds eye, without knowing the end of the sentence, the over-arching belief of the author's muse.

I didn't like reading falsehoods and then having to discern the write and wrong of the written word, but through conversation, truth has a frequency and resonance, a presence and a feeling.

I dropped out of college classes after 3 months, but stayed in the college, interacting, sharing visions with some mature-students, who'd been away from Ireland, and returned with theirs eyes somewhat opened.

We began to work together to “raise awareness”, through the SEA Society, Social and Ecological Awareness Society in college.

We got our Society grant from the college, and spent it on a journey of a weekend out on the Aran Islands.

I decided on the ferry boat to the island, that I would choose this free and noble path of service to the land, to life, to heritage and wisdom and voluntary, visionary work, rather than any normal “career”.

I'd taken some magic mushrooms, seldom but sometimes, in the late summers, while still living at my parents house, but in the autumn of 1993, I fully immersed into a few months of concentrated explorations of the “other worlds”.

Magic mushrooms, picked straight from field to hand to mouth, to digest some quantum chemical equations known as Liberty Caps, and become immersed in fields of feeling Nature.

These days, I can call those fields by known names, immersed in fields of knowledge, that acknowledge these other worldly experiences.

These days, it is easy to say, that mushrooms take one from the limited 3 dimensional reality construct, and travel through the 4th dimension of structured “time”, into a 5th dimension, beyond the confines of “time”.

A distance traversed between the separate mind of mortal man, to the non-divided whole of the Nature of Creation, manifest as the creations of Nature.

I found it easy to traverse these realms, to spend many months solid in the ethereal world, while still dashing about in the mundane world of 3 dimensional constraints.

On magic mushrooms, everything is about timing, activities occur in sequence, but the meaning is profound, the witnessing is profound, and the decision-making is natural and flowing from within.

Magic Mushrooms grow to perfusion in the autumn, as the equinox turns toward mid-winter.

There is this phrase: “the thinning of the Veils”.

Like all phrases, we take it for granted, by the nature of language, that the phrase has meaning, passed down through generations, for a reason, bestowing wisdom about this season, experience brings knowledge, as the young, eventually grow wise,

The question has been suggesting itself to me for the past 3 years, growing more certain over the last 3 months: what is the meaning of this word “Veil” ?

I realise that the “thinning” part of the phrase must refer to that timing, halfway between equinox and winter-solstice, called the cross-quarter-day, when the sap retreats back into the hearth of the timber, and Nature contracts within it's concentrated forms.

The Fall.

Mushrooms grow in the darkness.

I have heard that we all grow in the darkness, but mushrooms exemplify what is not obvious to the day time self.

Digestion of magic-mush-rooms also exemplifies that there is a higher-order of “mind”, which the ordinary mortal mind tends to dis-miss.

It is not necessary to ingest magic chemicals in order to experience a higher-order of collective consciousness.

Access to these realms is natural, but, at the same time, accessing these realms is also a crafty art-form and talent.

It is pre-ordained, though also subject to circumstance.

Innate abilities.

In 8 abilities.

In finite abilities.

Infinite abilities.

In 5 D, it is utterly apparent that I Am, a higher-order of soul intelligence as compared with the id-entity that I am, when confined to limited 3 D “thinking”.

When one “comes up” on magic mushrooms, the first real-world indicator is the onset of very deep yawning, a yawning that stimulates deep down in the brain-stem cortex, and grows even deeper.

The yawns return, {after an infinity of} hours later, when one begins to “come down” from the Journey, and the come-down involves having to siphon the soul-intelligence back into the 3D realm and id-entity Self.

Here, in this subliminal space, one gets to witness the mortal-mind strive to integrate experience which dis-prove the beliefs of the so-called “real world” of the material-world view of the western civilisations.

The yawns subside into a natural state of needing to sleep, to dream, to integrate, to rest, and let go of “consciousness”.

The over-all effect, is that the “conscious mind” gets to experience the subconscious and unconscious states of “Being” up on a Soul dimension.

And while the “conscious” mind is all ways for-getting it's new experiences, to be replaced by it's next experiences, a residue remains, as a bridge has been constructed between the conscious, subconscious and unconscious minds of the id-entity that thinks it is the only lonely mind in the separate world belief system.

I am only recently beginning to comprehend what it must be like for people who have no experience of otherworldly self-identities.

I don't know what it is like to not have my mind blown.

I don't know what it is like to not have an open mind.

I don't know what it must be like, to think “the science is settled”.

I do know what it's like to see fields, to comprehend quantum computing, to feel errors, before they manifest, to ignite energies, to embody archetypes, to enliven myths, to resurrect memories, to express repressed traumas, to heal, to forgive, to self-sacrifice, to accept humility, to face fears, to defeat death, to be reborn, to die every night and be reborn each new day.

These worlds are at odds, as different as male and female, inherently entangled.

A quandary.

And back, to this time of year, in the northern hemisphere, where the “Veil is thinning”, and the question is:

What exactly IS The Veil?

The Veil “between the Worlds”

The Veil between the Living and the Dead.

The Veil between the mortal and the Faeries.

The Veil between this incarnation and the Ancestors.

The Veil of Separation.

In these past few months, I have especially tried to visualise what this “veil” is:

a membrane, through which osmosis occurs

the blood-brain barrier

the border

the dusk and dawn

but really, I see now that the Veil is perception itself

The Veil is the Mind-field, either closed or opened.

The Veil is Partial.

The Veil vanished when wholeness comes.

The Veil is the entrance to the human realm of 3D consensus reality,

The Veil is the entrance to the 3D virtual reality made manifest.

We manifest humans do not know much about Life, for our conscious reality is predetermined upon a higher-order of reality than than the 3D id-entity can perceive.

The Veil is a prerequisite of perception, upon entering into conception.

The Veil is thinning, is coming down, is disappearing.

The Veil is the mental-realm being liberty capped in a quarantine environment, a containment zone, a ground-zero, a play-ground and a prison.

The Veil is thinnest at this time of year, and the Liberty Caps grow profusely in the Fields of Nature, especially where the humans haven't yet disturbed the nature with man-made chemical concoctions of modern farming methods.

Whatever “coVid” was or is, whether “natural” or man-made, it has collapsed the corner-stones of civilisations.

An old world view has died a death, and some sort of phoenix is arisen from it's burning nest.

The old normal and the new normal are both the same normal.

3D with LED's is still just 3D made artificially glittery.

The “Lifting of the Veil” is The Apocalypse, the Revelation, the Un-Veiling of The Great Work of Ages, of the occulted secrets, of the invisible realms, of the Forbidden Powers, of the 4th Wall in cinema projection, the great illusions of Pluto's analogy of the cave, with the fire-lights and the shadow-plays upon the walls.

What any one sees when the Veil lifts, is dependant upon their perception, their conception, their projection.

It is the equivalent of awakening in a dream, and realising you are the dreamer.

It is the equivalent of being a 3d simulation of a person, playing out on a flat-screen in a virtual world computer game, and the simulation becoming so complex in it's “artificial intelligence” that it achieves self-recognition, re-cognition of it's own id-entity within a higher-order of “reality”, a mere extension of that reality within a construct, but none-the-less, an extension of a higher-order of Self-Id-Entity, within a higher order of dimension, simply accessed rather than denied.

These days of revelation have been prophesied.

Make of that what you will.

But I propose, that the sense I make of all of this is:

that soul-identity is coming through to ground in union with the separate ego-entity, which has a “name”, an “age”, an “address”, a “social security number”, a “person” and a “personality”.

If life is a game, then the aim of the game is to heal.

The aim of the game is to learn how to feel, and follow through with in-tuition rather than merely follow the herd-men-tally to the de-fault positions which have ultimately become con-form-to-death herd-mentality.

Free Will to follow in-tuition or death beliefs in herd-mentality.

It is up to each one of us to challenge our assumptions about Life.